Talking About Gender With Young Children
by Bryen Fabry Dorsam (Communications Manager and former Waldorf Early Childhood teacher)
It was snack time and the children were indulging in a bit of linguistic experimentation.
Brain, Byron - all of the classics had been tried.
“Hello, Sir Bryen!” one child added (innocently), evoking an eruption of laughter. As the laughter settled, however, one child gasped in shock.
“Do not call Bryen ‘sir!’ Bryen is not a boy!”
This had come up before.
Children, as we know, will call you many more things than your name. This is part of their education - people like to be called certain things and certain things only. As you can imagine, the Early Childhood classroom provides many opportunities for this lesson. Bryen does not like to be called “poop butt.” Bryen likes to be called “Bryen.”
The other challenge was how to refer to me when not using my name. Most children know “he” and “she” by the time they reach school, of course, but “they” - as a singular pronoun, at least - often needs some introduction.
your child already lives in a gendered world
Sometimes people will stop right here and say that gender is too complex a topic to introduce to young children.
In fact, the concept of gender is, more often than not, introduced to them at birth and reinforced every day of their young lives. We teach children about gender implicitly with the language we use, the clothes we wear, and the way we treat them and others. Even if your home is meticulously kept free from the gender binary, the world in which we live is extremely gendered, whether we like it or not. Consequently, I would say that youth is a distinctly appropriate time to teach people about gender variance. However, we must do so with a great deal of care and attention, and in a way that makes sense to them.
simplicity works best
Overexplaining can be confusing to young children. It can be confusing to adults, too! The best thing to do is to keep it factual and simple.
When young children ask me, “Are you a girl or a boy?” I simply tell them that I am neither. Some will accept this simple answer and run off about their day. Others will investigate further.
“What do you mean?” I tell them then that some people are girls, some people are boys, and some people aren’t girls or boys. I am one of those people.
“You look like a boy.” Do I? What makes me look like a boy? Putting this question to them gives them an opportunity to express their own thoughts, but it also gives you a clearer picture of what’s on their mind, allowing you to address specifics rather than risking overcomplication.
“Your hair,” maybe, or, “Your clothes.” It’s understandable that children use external indicators like these to make a quick assumption about someone’s gender or pronouns - this is modeled by the adults around them all the time, of course. But here is an opportunity to teach them that the way someone looks, dresses, moves, speaks, etc. is not a reliable indicator of their gender or their pronouns. People can have any kind of hair they want, or dress however they like. Some people have long hair, some people have short hair, some people have hair that’s in between. Some people wear dresses, some people wear pants, some people change what they wear every day.
It’s important to remember that the only authority on a person’s gender or pronouns is themself.
when you don’t know someone’s gender
While many people will be open to the question, “My pronouns are _____ - what pronouns can I use for you?” asking someone about their gender is generally considered impolite. (Remember: pronouns and gender are not always connected!) You might not know someone’s gender for some time while getting to know them! That’s okay. Don’t be scared!
If your child asks you about someone’s gender and you don’t know the answer, a simple “I’m not sure!” will do.
use examples
If there are already examples of gender variety in their life, reminding them of those is an elegant and easy way to emphasize the concept. “Uncle Carl wears earrings, remember?”
If not, your own experiences can be useful. “My friend Megan is a woman and she has hair so short you can barely see it! Maybe you’ll meet her someday!”
if it gets…anatomical
I’d recommend not bringing anatomy into it if your child isn’t bringing it up. Anatomy and gender aren’t inherently related and there’s no need for your child to know what anyone else has going on.
Sometimes, of course, they’ve heard things. “Boys have penises and girls have vaginas,” is a common refrain. You can simply tell them that this is not always true.
how to talk about pronouns
Young children look to the adults in their life for linguistic guidance. If you are modeling correct pronoun usage for the people in your family’s life, they will, too! If they accidentally use the wrong pronouns for someone, correct them gently and continue to use the correct pronouns in your own speech.
If you’re introducing your child to the idea of non-binary pronouns, as always, simplicity works best.
“For Bryen, we say ‘they.’” After this, a short example sentence can be helpful: “They are your teacher.”
If children can remember names, they can remember pronouns! (The same goes for adults, too.) After all, there are a lot fewer pronouns than there are names.
Consider location
As we know, a child’s questions can and will happen anywhere. I’d recommend not trying to have this conversation in the grocery store checkout line. Consider a space where you and your child both feel comfortable and safe, and where you feel like you won’t be distracted or interrupted.
start early
It sounds obvious, but remember: children learn what you teach them. If you are careful to acknowledge and celebrate non-binary genders and transgender people with your child from birth, that is the world they will grow into. You might even choose not to gender your child at birth at all, which is a practice growing in frequency. Even if you do decide to gender your own child, taking care around the language and experience of gender variety is vitally important. Your child may well be transgender themselves! Creating a warm, celebratory space for people of all genders and encouraging children to be free with their expression can pave a safe path for your own child to explore their own identity, should their understanding of themselves begin to change.
lead with love
Children feel it. Engaging with gender diversity from a place of love in your own life will help encourage them to do the same!
